There are so many things on my mind. All I want in this world is to inspire. To be someone. To be significant. To make an impact. It all sounds cliche and hey, maybe it is, but my mind is overwhelmed. I need to speak. I need to let someone, anyone, know what's on my mind. May it be something I'm nervous about, or excited, or just need to vent. The only thing that will keep me sane, or give meaning to my life, is seeing if my everyday actions and thoughts and if my opinions are worth being heard. I may write about things that are ridiculous, things that nobody cares about, or I may write about things in a way that people will sit on the edge of their seat, wanting more, wondering, thinking, and reflect. I can only hope that anything I say will be influential.
Before you plunge into the details of my life, I guess it is only reasonable that I should share a few of those details with you. I don't have a good way of telling my story that sounds mysterious so before you dwell into the next few sentences, I shall tell you that it may become a little uncomfortable to see me lay out the hard specifics of my life that people usually keep to themselves. But I do want genuine readers. I want readers that can relate or will be intrigued enough to do something better with their lives and the lives of others. These are the things that I will discuss on this blog. That I will write about. So here goes.
I am bulimic. This is the first thing I have to say because it has taken over my life. I used to be anorexic as well, but once I started eating again, I couldn't stop, and I am now a compulsive binge eater, and that is why I have relapsed. I hate my body, with cellulite and stretch marks on my legs, with the feeling that my own skin is suffocating me. I have good days, but most are bad. I have OCD. I will probably talk about things that I organized or vent about something that someone did to something I organized. And talking about venting, that leads me to the fact that I have anger management issues. It doesn't matter if what they did was small or big, I will activate rage mode in a matter of 10 seconds, if you push me enough. People usually experience many feelings, like happy, sad, excited, angry, nervous. Me? I have 3. I can either be furious, depressed, or happy, the most unlikely of the three. What is usually feel is numb. Often my dad asks me if I'm happy. He says he never sees me smile. I never know what to say. I don't ever feel anything anymore. I don't know what it means. I hate my mom, and I know what you might be thinking, she raised me and you think I'm ungrateful, but you don't know what it's like. My mother is abusive, both physically and mentally. She's the reason I have eating disorders, the reason I'm suicidal at times. I have decided to move to be with my dad, because even the police and Child Protective Services has done nothing about it, and I'm slowly dying. My mother hates me, and I hate her. My heart is so full of hatred for her that I don't have the ability to love anyone else. I care for people, but I can't love them. I can't love anyone, and I don't know what that means for the future for me.
All I can say now is that, you've got the basics of my life, and now it's time for the the rest of the inner workings of my brain. People are always telling me to do things, trying to help. But you can only help yourself. Take my word for it. Or don't.
xoxo The Anon Giraffe
PS As I write, I have my thesaurus with me, in hopes of making myself sound inspiring and mysterious, so if something I say just doesn't make sense, feel free to comment with suggestions. I'm always looking for a way to better myself.
Before you plunge into the details of my life, I guess it is only reasonable that I should share a few of those details with you. I don't have a good way of telling my story that sounds mysterious so before you dwell into the next few sentences, I shall tell you that it may become a little uncomfortable to see me lay out the hard specifics of my life that people usually keep to themselves. But I do want genuine readers. I want readers that can relate or will be intrigued enough to do something better with their lives and the lives of others. These are the things that I will discuss on this blog. That I will write about. So here goes.
I am bulimic. This is the first thing I have to say because it has taken over my life. I used to be anorexic as well, but once I started eating again, I couldn't stop, and I am now a compulsive binge eater, and that is why I have relapsed. I hate my body, with cellulite and stretch marks on my legs, with the feeling that my own skin is suffocating me. I have good days, but most are bad. I have OCD. I will probably talk about things that I organized or vent about something that someone did to something I organized. And talking about venting, that leads me to the fact that I have anger management issues. It doesn't matter if what they did was small or big, I will activate rage mode in a matter of 10 seconds, if you push me enough. People usually experience many feelings, like happy, sad, excited, angry, nervous. Me? I have 3. I can either be furious, depressed, or happy, the most unlikely of the three. What is usually feel is numb. Often my dad asks me if I'm happy. He says he never sees me smile. I never know what to say. I don't ever feel anything anymore. I don't know what it means. I hate my mom, and I know what you might be thinking, she raised me and you think I'm ungrateful, but you don't know what it's like. My mother is abusive, both physically and mentally. She's the reason I have eating disorders, the reason I'm suicidal at times. I have decided to move to be with my dad, because even the police and Child Protective Services has done nothing about it, and I'm slowly dying. My mother hates me, and I hate her. My heart is so full of hatred for her that I don't have the ability to love anyone else. I care for people, but I can't love them. I can't love anyone, and I don't know what that means for the future for me.
All I can say now is that, you've got the basics of my life, and now it's time for the the rest of the inner workings of my brain. People are always telling me to do things, trying to help. But you can only help yourself. Take my word for it. Or don't.
xoxo The Anon Giraffe
PS As I write, I have my thesaurus with me, in hopes of making myself sound inspiring and mysterious, so if something I say just doesn't make sense, feel free to comment with suggestions. I'm always looking for a way to better myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Say what you want to say. Or don't.